


Pools of Sorrow, Waves of Joy

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, BPD, Bipolar Disorder, F/F, F/M, John deserves better, M/M, Mood Swings, Past Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, mental health, possible major character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:51:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Angsty Modern AU!Alexander Hamilton navigates college, relationships, and life in general.





	1. Like a Restless Wind

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags! <3

“What are you doing?” John’s voice rang clear through the flurries of words rushing through Alex’s mind.

  
“Basking in the glow of my mental illness.” He quipped, fingers continuing their incessant tapping against the surface of his keyboard. How long had he been like that, typing away on the kitchen floor? He wasn’t really entirely sure.

“Manic?” John asked, sliding down the cabinet to take a seat next to him.

“Yup.”

“So, why the kitchen floor instead of somewhere comfortable? Your ass is going to be killing you later.”

“I had a thought and I needed to get it out.” Alex replied, his fingers slowing ever so slightly.

“It couldn’t wait until you got to the living room?”

“No, not this time. I was afraid I would lose focus if I stopped and I can’t afford any distractions. That’s exactly what happened last time and if I am manic I may as well use it to my advantage. Aside from that the floor is rather cool in here, it feels nice.”

“Come on, come sit on the couch with me.” John said, gently tugging at the sleeve of his shirt.

“I can’t.”

“Alex.”

“My legs are asleep at this point.” He replied, still not bothering to look at John.

“Christ Alex,” John sighed. “How long have you been writing?”

“I don’t know, maybe a couple hours?” He glanced at the clock in the corner of his computer. “Five hours.”

“Okay, that’s enough.” John said, gently pulling the laptop from his hands and placing it on top the stove.

“What the hell?” Alex asked, a rather unintentionally cute pout playing across his lips. “I was almost done.”

“You can finish it in a few minutes.” John said, standing up. He offered Alex a hand, which he begrudgingly accepted to pull himself up.

“Oh fuck I’m out of shape.” Alex said, stretching his back with his hands pressed against his lower back.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself. When is the last time you slept?”

“It’s not like I am actively choosing to be like this.” Alex snapped, grabbing his closed laptop off of the stove. “I’m managing it the best I can.”

“You need to go to therapy.”

“I do go to therapy.”

“And you lie to your therapist.” John sighed, absent mindedly pulling at his hair.

“If I didn’t lie demand that I come in twice a week and I can barely afford the seventy dollars once a month.”

“They can’t force you to go to therapy twice a week.”

“Yes but there is a fine line between agreeing to it and finding yourself committed against your will and that is something you and I both know I can’t fucking deal with right now.”

“Alex-“ John put his hand on his arm, trying to calm him down.

Alex backed away from him, out of reach. “Just stop.”

“I don’t know what to do for you any more Alex, Jesus. Every time I try to help you you just push me away.”

“I didn’t ask you to help me.”

“That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to. I just need you to listen to me, okay? Take a deep breath.”

Against his better judgement, Alex took a breath before exhaling slowly.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Alex said, voice still laced with a hint of irritation.

“Come on, on the couch.” John dimmed the light as they entered the room. Once Alex had taken a seat, John grabbed the throw blanket from off of the recliner and laid it over him. “Breathe Alex.”

Silence, for a moment.

“I’m sorry John.”

“Shhh.”

“I don’t know why I have to be like this.”

“Alex-“

“One day you’re going to leave and wondered why you didn’t do it sooner. I’ll be nothing but a bad memory to you, at least until you forget me completely. Just like Eliza. Sometimes I-“

“Alex,” John warned, grabbing ahold of his forearms. “Remove all thoughts from your mind, like you’re practicing occlumency.”

“Not everything has to be related to Harry Potter.”

John scowled. “Stop talking and just breathe.”

“Just breathe.” He mumbled, unconvinced.

“Like that, in and out. That’s the only thing you need to focus on for a few minutes. Don’t worry about your paper. I can see your facial expression and I can tell that your worried about it. Worry about it later.”

“John-“

“No, no more talking for me or you for now. I am going to go get you a cup of hot tea and you are going to sit here and breathe, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Static.

“John?”

“I’m coming.” He said, handing him a cup of chamomile tea.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shh,” He placed his hand on Alexander’s knee. “Did you take your medication today?”

“Yes?” Alex ran through his day as quickly as he could. “Yeah, I did.”

“Good. How are you feeling now?”

“Like there is an electric current running through me that I can’t seem to ground.”

John frowned, thankful that Alex’s eyes were still closed so he wouldn’t see his face. “Drink your tea and try not to think for a bit.”

“Do you know how hard it is to not think?”

“I’m an accomplished occlumence.” John teased, giving Alex’s knee a tight squeeze.

He took a long drink from the tea. “Nerd.”

“You know you love me.”

Alex paused, taking another drink of his tea. “Yeah.”

 

“Are you even listening to me?” Alex asked, looking Eliza directly in the eyes.

“I am, I am. I’m just having a hard time absorbing what you just told me.” She replied, entirely too tired to deal with his shit.

“He started it.” He insisted, grimacing as she unwrapped the bandage from his bloody knuckles.

“You have got to stop letting your anger get the best of you Alexander.” She lectured, tossing the bandage in the trash can beside the front door.

“This looks awful.”

“At least it wasn’t a window this time…” He trailed off although he was going to say something else before changing his mind. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“If it wasn’t as bad as it looks I wouldn’t be here.”

“I wasn’t the one who called you.” He sighed, refusing to meet her eyes. “Look, I’m sorry Lafayette called you. I know it’s late.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, no it’s not. I’m not supposed to inconvenience you any more. You’re not mine anymore.”

“Alex-“

“Shit.” He hissed as she sprayed his wounds with an antiseptic spray.

“He didn’t call me because he thought your hand was bad. He called me because he was worried about you.”

“He doesn’t have to worry about me, and neither do you, especially now.” He pulled his hand back with a little more force than necessary. “I can take care of myself.”

“If you keep picking fights you’re going to get put on probation.” Eliza said, her voice lower now.

“I’m not picking fights, and I’m not going to get put on probation for fighting. I didn’t even punch Aaron, I punched the wall behind him.”

“Why were you taking a swing at Aaron anyway?” She asked, setting her purse on the counter. “I thought you two were friends.”

“We are.”

“Then what were you fighting for?”

“You should know as well as any one, sometimes we fight the people we love.” He looked at her carefully, trying to catch her eyes.  
Eliza swallowed, retaining her composure. “So you love Aaron Burr now too?”

“I never said that.” Alex pouted.

“Eliza, good to see you.” John said, walking into the kitchen. He gave her a one armed hug. “For what do we have the pleasure of this visit?”

“Lafayette called me to take a look at Alex’s hand.”

“Alex’s hand?” He asked, glancing down at the bloodied knuckles Alex was not so inconspicuously trying to hold out of sight. “Jesus Christ Alex, did you get into another fight?”

“With Aaron Burr.” Lafayette chimed in from the next room.

“It wasn’t a fight.” Alex mumbled under his breath.

“Well, I do hate that spineless prick.” John reasoned, receiving a soft punch on the shoulder by Eliza. “Hey.”

“If he doesn’t stop fighting he is going to end up put on probation.”

“No he’s not.” John argued. “Not with Washington on his side.”

“You’re not helping John.” Eliza groaned. “I have to go.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay - er want a cup of coffee?” Alex asked awkwardly.

“No, I am on night shift tonight so I am actually on my way to the hospital.”

“Another time then.” Alex suggested.

“Perhaps. It was nice seeing you John, you too Lafayette.” She projected her voice into the next room. “Tell Herc I said hello when he gets home.”

“Will do.” John nodded.

“And Alex?”

“Yes?”

“For the love of God, stop getting into fights okay? Please.”

“Okay.”

“You just got lectured by your ex-girlfriend for fighting.” Lafayette smirked as Alex walked into the living room. He was stretched out across the length of the couch, his ankles folded on the arm.

“You called her, you dickhead.” Alex grumbled, plopping down in the arm chair to the left of the couch.

“I want you two to make up.” He shrugged. “You seemed to need a little nudge.”

“That’s not going to make her come back.” John said, taking a seat opposite Alex. “Stuff like this is the reason she left in the first place.”

“At least it was the wall this time instead of someone’s face.” Alex mumbled, much more miserable than he had been when he got home. Eliza was a very sore spot with him still, and sometimes he wondered if it would always be that way.

“Baby steps?” Lafayette asked. “The next step is responding without violence.”

“He just made me so mad.” Alex huffed.

“What did he say?”

“It’s what you would call stupid bullshit political shit, John, do you really care to hear the details?”

“No, not really.”

“I don’t mind hearing.”

“We were in a debate with two other people and he literally changed his stance three times in the course of the conversation to match the mood of who he thought was winning. I swear he is the most insolent piece of shit I have ever met.”

“I thought you two were getting along?”

“Not today.” Alex decided. “The only time I get along with that man is when politics are off the table and even then if he is changing his story every five minutes it doesn’t matter.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He sighed. “I’m going to go for a walk, clear my head.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” John asked.

“No, I just need to be alone for a little while.” He stood up.

“Take your phone, in case it starts to rain and you need a ride.” John called into the kitchen.

“Okay.” Alex said, snatching his phone off the counter where Eliza’s purse had been.

The rain was not something that had really ever bothered Alex. It was warm and familiar, not like a hug but it still held the same grounding effect. The droplets pattered against his back and shoulders, soaking into his shirt. John would berate him for it when he got home but it didn’t matter. Nothing did in that moment.

 


	2. With a Little Help from my Friends

  
“So I heard Eliza stopped by last night before I got home.” Hercules said.

  
“Yeah, Lafayette called her after the incident with Aaron.” Alex shrugged. “He said it was so that she could look at my hand but I think we all know better.”

“We all like Eliza, not as much as you of course, but I think he misses having her around.”

“What do you think my chances are of actually winning her back?” Alex asked, slowly shutting his laptop.

“I think before you ask me that you need to decide if you actually want her back.” Hercules suggested, pausing on the sketch he was working on. “You two fought quite a lot.”

“Yeah but only because I was being stupid. When we weren’t fighting it was good, really good.”

“Yeah but you fought all the time Alex, unless you were fucking.”

“Herc-“

“I’m being honest with you. She put up with your shit longer than I expected her to to be honest, not that you don’t deserve it. You’re a very passionate person Alex, about everything. I literally cannot think of a single subject where you don’t have a very strong held opinion. You are an incredible person to know but it can be exhausting to keep up with you and I am just your housemate.”

“You think she deserves better?”

“I think you have a lot of personal growth you need to make. Alex, you know I want you to be happy, Eliza too. Hell, I’m the one who set you two up. That doesn’t change the fact.”

“What fact?” Alex asked, on the defensive.

“The fact that you’re not ready to be in a relationship right now. I don’t say it to hurt you or make you angry. I’m being honest. You have no balance in your life and that’s something you need if you’re going to be in a relationship.”

“Balance?”

“When is the last time you went a whole day without studying?”

“It’s the middle of the semester.”

“When is the last time you took a day off work, even if it was just a day you weren’t scheduled? How many days have you gotten eight hours of sleep this week? How many days have you gotten six?”

“None of these things have anything to do with being in a relationship.” Alex huffed.

“No, but they do say how well you balance things, which is not at all.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because she is not going to come back until you start taking care of yourself. She takes care of enough people at work. We’ve been talking about you, probably more than she would care to admit.”

“Do you think she will come back to me?”

“I can’t say for sure Alex, I don’t know. You need to start taking care of yourself regardless. Get some sort of a sleep schedule, go do yoga with Laf.”

“I’m about as flexible as a pencil.”

“It doesn’t have to be that specifically, you just need something. You should send her a friendly text some time. She misses you.”

“Yeah?” Alex asked, his mood improving immensely.

“Don’t tell her I said that.”

“I won’t.” Alex agreed, pulling out his phone.

“She just wants to feel appreciated. You two were together for what, a year? Eliza feels like she spent that entire time trying to take care of you and didn’t really receive anything in return.”

“I told her I loved her at least a thousand times.”

“Telling and showing are different things. When you fall asleep in the middle of a date because you stayed up all night for the fifth night in a row working on a project that isn’t due for a month, it shows her you don’t care.”

“She told you about that?” Alex winced.

“She told me a lot and I probably would have dumped your ass too.”

“Ouch Herc.”

“I’m saying this to help you Alex.”

“Yeah, I know.” He said, slipping his phone back into his pocket without texting her. How could he, after all he had put her through? She deserved better. She deserved more.

 

 

“You’re my very best friend.” Alex declared, flopping on the couch beside Laurens with much more enthusiasm than was required.

“Really now?” Laurens asked, setting aside the sketch he was working on. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything is wonderful.” He replied, slightly giddy.

“Like is everything actually wonderful or are you-“

“I’m fine Laurens. For the first time in a while things are actually going right.”

“What happened?”

“Remember that magazine that you suggested I submit my writing to?” He asked, practically bouncing on the couch.

“Of course.”

“Well, they accepted every single one of my sample articles. It’s unbelievable.”

“That’s fantastic Alex.” John said, punching his shoulder.

“And the pay is pretty good too. I’m going to be able to afford to actually pay my part of the rent if I can keep submitting regularly.”

“Alex you know we don’t care about-“

“I know I know, but it will make me feel better if I can actually do it. “

“So when do you get paid?”

“I won’t know for sure until they run my first article. If it goes over well I am going to be added as a regular contributor and it will be like a regular job with a regular check.”

“No more editing for Professor Washington?”

“Well, we’ll see. The job certainly has its perks, even if there aren’t as many hours as I would prefer.”

“It would if you would slow down and not work so fast.”

“I can’t do that. It would be unethical to work slower so I could make more money.”

John cocked an eyebrow at him. “Do you really want to get into a discussion with me about ethics?”

“Helping others is always ethical, John.”

“Not when you are getting paid for it.” He replied, his tone almost teasing.

“It’s not like I’m writing the content, I’m just editing, clearing up their thoughts for them so that their point comes across clear. I have never made a single content change to anyone’s paper that I’ve edited.”

“I think you’re pushing your luck. You know you would get into trouble if anyone found out you were profiting off of it, especially considering the fact that you edit everything that Washington sends out. I think the university would definitely consider that a conflict of interest.”

“I’m not technically breaking any rules or bylaws and you know very well I wouldn’t risk it.”

“You’re playing with fire none the less.”

“I’m playing with words Laurens, and every bit of experience I can get will help.”

“You can’t exactly list this on a resume.”

“And I wouldn’t anyway. Working for Washington looks much better on paper and working so many jobs at once would look odd so I would have to leave something off anyway.”

“If you’re sure…”

“I am.”

“Want to go out later? Herc and I are supposed to be meeting the Schuylers for drinks.”

Alex hesitated. “As much as I would love to see Eliza, I’m avoiding her for the moment.”

“Are you sure you aren’t sick?” John teased, putting his hand on Alex’s forehead. “You have tried to make any excuse possible to see her since you two broke up.”

“I’m trying to give her some space. I mean, not that I haven’t been, since you’ve stopped me every single time that I’ve tried to call her.”

“It is my job as your best friend to prevent you from drunk dialing your ex.”

“Yeah yeah. I’m writing her a letter, instead, or at least I’ve been contemplating it. We haven’t actually had a real conversation with her since that night. I’ve seen her in passing a couple of times, you know, crossing paths on the way too and from class.”

“You guys don’t have schedules that would have you passing in between classes.”

“I may have gone a bit out of my way.”

“That’s a little creepy Alex.”

“Don’t say that.” He snapped.

“Alex-.”

“It’s not like that, I’ve made a legitimate reason for it each time.”

“So, you’re writing her a letter?”

“I haven’t actually tried yet. I’m still contemplating it.” Alex admitted.

“Well, if you decide to write it let me know.”

 

The first attempt he made at writing Eliza a letter was awkward. All the feeling he had flowed out onto the paper in a rush that did not have the eloquence he was used to producing. With all of his thoughts on a jumbled mess on the paper, he started again, hoping his words would be enough.

My dear Eliza,

I am sorry for the situation that was imposed on you two nights ago. It was not my intention for Lafayette to call you and it was even less of my intention for you to come and see me in that state. It is for that sort of thing after all, that has taken away the right to call you mine. A month of time has passed and still you are on my mind as a constant. I can’t seem to shake you, even when I am putting forth my best effort.

Your beautiful face, the inflections at the edges of your voice, they run through my mind at least a hundred times a day but it is nothing in comparison to how my heart longs for you. When you touched me as you cleaned my hand I felt whole in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

All of my love,  
Alexander.

“That’s really sappy.” John said, leaning over Alex’s shoulder. “But convincing. It would win me back.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to mail it or deliver it in person?”

“I don’t know. If I deliver it in person she will probably read it then. I need to give her time to think it over before I force her to respond, I think.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“Do you think it is too forward?”

“No, but it is a bit wordy, a bit flowery too.” John shrugged. “She might like it though. Maybe you should send her some flowers with it.”

“No, no, Eliza is too practical for that.” Alex reasoned.

“Regardless of what she has told you, I can assure you, as her friend who is her friend outside of being your friend, that she would not turn down the flowers.”

“But the letter?”

“It’s very you. I- I don’t know Alex. We haven’t spoken much since you two broke up?”

“Why not? Has she been avoiding you?”

“No, I just, and I swear you are not allowed to hold this against me when you get back together, I don’t like the way she ended it. I think she was unfair.”

“I know I am a difficult person to be with-“

“But you are also an incredible person to be with. She knew who you were when she started dating you and expected you to change. Honestly, not everything she expected, or anything she expected actually, would be a bad thing but your break up just seemed so abrupt.”

“I didn’t tell you the whole story…”

“What more is there to know?”

“I was a complete asshole that night, and a lot of the time. I mean, I get, I get why she did it. I just wish she hadn’t.”

“You may be an asshole, but it’s endearing. You’re the resident lovable asshole.”

“I thought that was Laf.”

“Laf is another story entirely.” John laughed. “But seriously, Alex, don’t sell yourself short. There is a lot of good in you. You just need to accentuate those parts instead of letting yourself get overwhelmed to the point of anger.”

“Thanks Laurens.” Alex said softly, folding his letter to fit in an envelope. “I think I needed to hear that.”

“Don’t mention it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr!  
> @Avecodos


End file.
